Ok here is the actual update :D

So yeah, actul update time.

I'm begining the process of coming out as A Female-to-Male transgender. (FtM) I have been struggeling with these feelings for a very long time and am finaly ready to come out. I'm ready to begin becoming the man I always should have been. However, I would not trade the way I grew up for anything. I have experianced all these feelings and all this confusion for a reason. I have been made stronger and more accepting because of everything i have gone through. and for that I am thankful. I have come out to my mother, father and my grandmother on my fathers side. Two friends also know (and one more now cause he reads this). I know that this will be a long and sometimes tear filled journey. I expect to be accepted, rejected and everything in-between. The support of those I have told so far is great and I'm so very thankful for having such accepting and loving people in my life.

Anyways, sadly it will be awhile before I can start T or get sugery, but for now I am content to wait. I don't need those things to be who I am, they would just make it easier. I hope to come out to others in my life shortly.

Other updates. I went to Fannatiku Fest. A convention near where I live. It was a great time and I debuted my new cosplay. Yukito from "tsubasa resivoir chronicles". I did the artbook version that is all flowey and nice. (pictured up above) I couldn't wear it all day though and ended up getting into it and out of it all day. lol. The staff also had problems where it wouldn't stay up without flopping over. I compeated in the masqurade and was put in the vetran division. This worried me at first but once I went to my costume judging I knew I had it in the bag! I took best vetran construction! I was so happy that i forgot to give the judges a hug after they presented my award. I feel so bad about that ><. Other than that I pretty much spent the whole time in the artist alley at my table. made some good money. lol. Next year I get to run the artist alley and I am excited for the experiance!

lets see anything else...nope, I don't think so. Well thats all for now I guess! I'll update again soon I'm sure!

Hello!

So its been awhile and truly I forgot about this place...

anyways I have been thorugh alot of soul searching and whatnot and have found that I am male. I am a Female to Male (FtM) transgender. I'm posting this here because as far as I know only one person who knows me in real life reads it. I'm not quite ready to come out to everyone I know yet. when I do I will post something on tumbler or facebbok and link everyone here.

anyways my back hurts so I'm not going to post much more right now but I will update again soon.

Being happy with myself

Today I got to wondering...Why can't I just be happy with how I am. So I don't understand what I am, or who I am...Isn't this just a better chance for me to figure it out. I mean in a way I'm starting from ground zero because I know nothing about myself! Wouldn't people kill for a chance like this? Now that I'm thinking about it, it seems so obvious that everyone in my life has been trying to tell me just that...but what can I say, I'm dense.

Now just because I've come to this realization doesn't mean my life will be eceedingly better right away, I know this. But it gives me the motovation to move forward and just let myself develop. I'm like a picture from a poloroid camera...and soon my true, inner self will show itself. I know it!

Anyways...I hope everyon out there had and continues to have a good holiday season. I'm looking forward to the new year...perfect time to reinvent myself! :D

Another sad post...sorry

Have you ever felt so trapped that you cry every night? Have you ever been so confused That your mind wont stop going, even when you sleep? Have you ever wanted something so bad that its all you think about? have you ever been unsure about that thing you want, in such away that you convice yourself that you don't really want it? Has your heart ever been in so much pain that you just want it to end.

This is what i have been going through, as best as I can put it. And I'm going through it all in secret, because I'm unsure of how to bring it to my loved one's attention. How do you tell those you love that you are begining to think you are not the girl/boy they knew...That your gender is wrong. I try so hard to be happy...I really do wany it, but wanting is not enough anymore.

Imagine living someone else's life, with no controll of how things progress. You have no controll because your lifes way has been set in stone, because its not your desicion. Nor has it ever been. That is how I feel I guess.

I just want to be sure of myself again...I want to be able to live proudly as myself.

Lost in myself

So...I'm really struggling today. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I need some release from this horrible pain...I need to come out again! But I'm afraid that my feelings will change again and it will void all the work it will take to come out. I just don't know what the thing to do is, come out and possibly have to revise again and again, or I could just continue to suffer and hold onto the thought that my feelings will change. what if I am a male? what if that's the reason I feel so angry and hateful towards my own body. But then there are those few days where I feel like dressing in a more "girly" fashion and the only thing I hate is my chest.

Would i be considered trans because I'm unhappy in my own body? Or maybe I'm not because I don't have a problem with my lower female parts? But maybe I am because I prefer male clothes? But then again I like certain girly clothes. I might be trans because I want to cut off my chest, or I'm not because I'm to afraid to do anything about it.

I just wish there was a way for me to experiment openly but without anyone knowing. Why couldn't I have been born as a boy? why can't I just figure out what I am so i can start to recover? Why don't I have anyone close to me that I can discuss these things with.

I feel like I am lost in this maze that is known as me.

lost in my body, mind and soul.

Can someone just give me a map?

Rest In Peace

So I got a call this morning. My grandfather, who I call Poppy, passed away this morning around 3:00 AM. He went peacefully in his sleep and now wont suffer any longer. despite the distance in miles between us, I was always close to him...but I'm not emotional about it. the only reason I'm even sad is because I feel for my grandma. I don't even want to go to the funeral because I don't want to be sad...and I know that will make me sad.
plans are being made for whoever can to head up to go to the funeral. my mom can't go because of a critical college class, which means her boyfriend Will be taking us. this I am not ok with. I don't want to spend that many days with him.
how do I tell my mom that I don't want to go with out feeling bad about it. I know my poppy wouldn't want me to go only to miserable the whole time...but others may guilt me into feeling bad about it... *sigh*

X's and O's for my poppy

Ai/Mori

Queer today, gone tommorow

Today I've been feeling really Queer and I love it! It makes me want to take steps and do somthing with my life! I wonder why feeling Queer and different makes me feel good some days and awful others. I've decided I need a binder (an actual one, not the cheap thing I've been using.)to go with my haircut. I also need more rainbow things in my wadrobe.

Next week is going to be fun. I'm starting my D&D game for my good friends and I'm thinking of updating what happens on here...because I can. I've been planning this game for over 6 months now so I hope everything goes ok. I'm working out some final things with my DM buddy tommorow so I'm really looking forward to tommorow.

thats all for today.

X's and O's

Ai/Mori