Being happy with myself

Today I got to wondering...Why can't I just be happy with how I am. So I don't understand what I am, or who I am...Isn't this just a better chance for me to figure it out. I mean in a way I'm starting from ground zero because I know nothing about myself! Wouldn't people kill for a chance like this? Now that I'm thinking about it, it seems so obvious that everyone in my life has been trying to tell me just that...but what can I say, I'm dense.

Now just because I've come to this realization doesn't mean my life will be eceedingly better right away, I know this. But it gives me the motovation to move forward and just let myself develop. I'm like a picture from a poloroid camera...and soon my true, inner self will show itself. I know it!

Anyways...I hope everyon out there had and continues to have a good holiday season. I'm looking forward to the new year...perfect time to reinvent myself! :D

Another sad post...sorry

Have you ever felt so trapped that you cry every night? Have you ever been so confused That your mind wont stop going, even when you sleep? Have you ever wanted something so bad that its all you think about? have you ever been unsure about that thing you want, in such away that you convice yourself that you don't really want it? Has your heart ever been in so much pain that you just want it to end.

This is what i have been going through, as best as I can put it. And I'm going through it all in secret, because I'm unsure of how to bring it to my loved one's attention. How do you tell those you love that you are begining to think you are not the girl/boy they knew...That your gender is wrong. I try so hard to be happy...I really do wany it, but wanting is not enough anymore.

Imagine living someone else's life, with no controll of how things progress. You have no controll because your lifes way has been set in stone, because its not your desicion. Nor has it ever been. That is how I feel I guess.

I just want to be sure of myself again...I want to be able to live proudly as myself.

Lost in myself

So...I'm really struggling today. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I need some release from this horrible pain...I need to come out again! But I'm afraid that my feelings will change again and it will void all the work it will take to come out. I just don't know what the thing to do is, come out and possibly have to revise again and again, or I could just continue to suffer and hold onto the thought that my feelings will change. what if I am a male? what if that's the reason I feel so angry and hateful towards my own body. But then there are those few days where I feel like dressing in a more "girly" fashion and the only thing I hate is my chest.

Would i be considered trans because I'm unhappy in my own body? Or maybe I'm not because I don't have a problem with my lower female parts? But maybe I am because I prefer male clothes? But then again I like certain girly clothes. I might be trans because I want to cut off my chest, or I'm not because I'm to afraid to do anything about it.

I just wish there was a way for me to experiment openly but without anyone knowing. Why couldn't I have been born as a boy? why can't I just figure out what I am so i can start to recover? Why don't I have anyone close to me that I can discuss these things with.

I feel like I am lost in this maze that is known as me.

lost in my body, mind and soul.

Can someone just give me a map?

Rest In Peace

So I got a call this morning. My grandfather, who I call Poppy, passed away this morning around 3:00 AM. He went peacefully in his sleep and now wont suffer any longer. despite the distance in miles between us, I was always close to him...but I'm not emotional about it. the only reason I'm even sad is because I feel for my grandma. I don't even want to go to the funeral because I don't want to be sad...and I know that will make me sad.
plans are being made for whoever can to head up to go to the funeral. my mom can't go because of a critical college class, which means her boyfriend Will be taking us. this I am not ok with. I don't want to spend that many days with him.
how do I tell my mom that I don't want to go with out feeling bad about it. I know my poppy wouldn't want me to go only to miserable the whole time...but others may guilt me into feeling bad about it... *sigh*

X's and O's for my poppy

Ai/Mori

Queer today, gone tommorow

Today I've been feeling really Queer and I love it! It makes me want to take steps and do somthing with my life! I wonder why feeling Queer and different makes me feel good some days and awful others. I've decided I need a binder (an actual one, not the cheap thing I've been using.)to go with my haircut. I also need more rainbow things in my wadrobe.

Next week is going to be fun. I'm starting my D&D game for my good friends and I'm thinking of updating what happens on here...because I can. I've been planning this game for over 6 months now so I hope everything goes ok. I'm working out some final things with my DM buddy tommorow so I'm really looking forward to tommorow.

thats all for today.

X's and O's

Ai/Mori

Once Again

Why the hell can't I just get better? thats what I've been asking myself today. I have good days then I fall apart, into a deep dark hole. It pisses me off, that I just can't get better for longer than a few days. I want to be happy, I want to be around people, and I want to be ok with myself. If I want it and work at it (like I have been) shouldn't that count for something! I just don't know what to do when I get feeling like this. I feel that I have no one to talk to even though I know thats not true.

very un-enthused X's and O's

Back At Last

I've been gone for awhile, but have decided that its time to get back into doing this. (we'll see how long it lasts this time. I've been going through alot lately. a few weeks ago I had to go to the hospital because of my depression. While there i found out that I am also bipolar. so now I'm on a shit load of medicine that I can't afford. At least its helping though. now I have more good days than bad ones. I'm still really struggeling with who I am and I'm sure that part of what went me to the hosplital is dealing with not knowing who I am. I mean how does one figure out that they are a girl? A boy? Trans? How does one figure out their sexuality when they can't even find a girlfriend or boyfriend?
The gender issue is what has been on my mind the most (with today being spirit day and all) I mean I like to look like a man and thats how I'm happiest...but does that mean I'm trans? I can't let myself come out as anything because of the fear of being wrong. That is a big desision to make only to take it back. For the time being I have no problem with keeping my genderqueer status (esspecialy since I dont have the resorces to trasition or even dress male full time) but its really hard not to know who you are. why can't I just have one of those "aha" moments and know the way to do things.
I've also been really lonely lately. and this one doesn't make sense at all. I have so many friends and family that love and support me, but still I feel alone alot of the time. Mabye I really want a romatic relationship or somthing like that...
anyways, happy spirit day and i hope everyone wore purple to remeber those poor kids who took their own life because people had to hate. thinking back to how many times I've felt the same way it really hits home for me.

X's and O's from the genderqueer without a clue

Random Crap and School Issues

Wow I haven't been on here in awhile... so whats new?

I've been elected to be an officer on my QSA's council which has been fun so far.

I still have no job, but thats old news...damn economy

I'm attending an Anime convention in march called Anime Fannatiku Fest. If your in the St. George area march 5-6th you should stop by and check it out. I'll be selling art in the artist alley...I'll have a long red wig and be dressed like Grell from Kuroshitsuji. (see picture above post) If anyone want more info you can ask me I guess.

I'm trying to decide what I am going to do next year for housing...once I come out to the school everything will be diffucult unless I have a plan or something ready. I have to have on campus housing because I have to use my grants and other goverment money...because i have no job. But if I come out as something different from what they think I am the school will kick me out!

I've still got a little while to think something up...