Rest In Peace

So I got a call this morning. My grandfather, who I call Poppy, passed away this morning around 3:00 AM. He went peacefully in his sleep and now wont suffer any longer. despite the distance in miles between us, I was always close to him...but I'm not emotional about it. the only reason I'm even sad is because I feel for my grandma. I don't even want to go to the funeral because I don't want to be sad...and I know that will make me sad.
plans are being made for whoever can to head up to go to the funeral. my mom can't go because of a critical college class, which means her boyfriend Will be taking us. this I am not ok with. I don't want to spend that many days with him.
how do I tell my mom that I don't want to go with out feeling bad about it. I know my poppy wouldn't want me to go only to miserable the whole time...but others may guilt me into feeling bad about it... *sigh*

X's and O's for my poppy

Ai/Mori

Queer today, gone tommorow

Today I've been feeling really Queer and I love it! It makes me want to take steps and do somthing with my life! I wonder why feeling Queer and different makes me feel good some days and awful others. I've decided I need a binder (an actual one, not the cheap thing I've been using.)to go with my haircut. I also need more rainbow things in my wadrobe.

Next week is going to be fun. I'm starting my D&D game for my good friends and I'm thinking of updating what happens on here...because I can. I've been planning this game for over 6 months now so I hope everything goes ok. I'm working out some final things with my DM buddy tommorow so I'm really looking forward to tommorow.

thats all for today.

X's and O's

Ai/Mori

Once Again

Why the hell can't I just get better? thats what I've been asking myself today. I have good days then I fall apart, into a deep dark hole. It pisses me off, that I just can't get better for longer than a few days. I want to be happy, I want to be around people, and I want to be ok with myself. If I want it and work at it (like I have been) shouldn't that count for something! I just don't know what to do when I get feeling like this. I feel that I have no one to talk to even though I know thats not true.

very un-enthused X's and O's

Back At Last

I've been gone for awhile, but have decided that its time to get back into doing this. (we'll see how long it lasts this time. I've been going through alot lately. a few weeks ago I had to go to the hospital because of my depression. While there i found out that I am also bipolar. so now I'm on a shit load of medicine that I can't afford. At least its helping though. now I have more good days than bad ones. I'm still really struggeling with who I am and I'm sure that part of what went me to the hosplital is dealing with not knowing who I am. I mean how does one figure out that they are a girl? A boy? Trans? How does one figure out their sexuality when they can't even find a girlfriend or boyfriend?
The gender issue is what has been on my mind the most (with today being spirit day and all) I mean I like to look like a man and thats how I'm happiest...but does that mean I'm trans? I can't let myself come out as anything because of the fear of being wrong. That is a big desision to make only to take it back. For the time being I have no problem with keeping my genderqueer status (esspecialy since I dont have the resorces to trasition or even dress male full time) but its really hard not to know who you are. why can't I just have one of those "aha" moments and know the way to do things.
I've also been really lonely lately. and this one doesn't make sense at all. I have so many friends and family that love and support me, but still I feel alone alot of the time. Mabye I really want a romatic relationship or somthing like that...
anyways, happy spirit day and i hope everyone wore purple to remeber those poor kids who took their own life because people had to hate. thinking back to how many times I've felt the same way it really hits home for me.

X's and O's from the genderqueer without a clue