Being happy with myself

Today I got to wondering...Why can't I just be happy with how I am. So I don't understand what I am, or who I am...Isn't this just a better chance for me to figure it out. I mean in a way I'm starting from ground zero because I know nothing about myself! Wouldn't people kill for a chance like this? Now that I'm thinking about it, it seems so obvious that everyone in my life has been trying to tell me just that...but what can I say, I'm dense.

Now just because I've come to this realization doesn't mean my life will be eceedingly better right away, I know this. But it gives me the motovation to move forward and just let myself develop. I'm like a picture from a poloroid camera...and soon my true, inner self will show itself. I know it!

Anyways...I hope everyon out there had and continues to have a good holiday season. I'm looking forward to the new year...perfect time to reinvent myself! :D

Another sad post...sorry

Have you ever felt so trapped that you cry every night? Have you ever been so confused That your mind wont stop going, even when you sleep? Have you ever wanted something so bad that its all you think about? have you ever been unsure about that thing you want, in such away that you convice yourself that you don't really want it? Has your heart ever been in so much pain that you just want it to end.

This is what i have been going through, as best as I can put it. And I'm going through it all in secret, because I'm unsure of how to bring it to my loved one's attention. How do you tell those you love that you are begining to think you are not the girl/boy they knew...That your gender is wrong. I try so hard to be happy...I really do wany it, but wanting is not enough anymore.

Imagine living someone else's life, with no controll of how things progress. You have no controll because your lifes way has been set in stone, because its not your desicion. Nor has it ever been. That is how I feel I guess.

I just want to be sure of myself again...I want to be able to live proudly as myself.

Lost in myself

So...I'm really struggling today. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I need some release from this horrible pain...I need to come out again! But I'm afraid that my feelings will change again and it will void all the work it will take to come out. I just don't know what the thing to do is, come out and possibly have to revise again and again, or I could just continue to suffer and hold onto the thought that my feelings will change. what if I am a male? what if that's the reason I feel so angry and hateful towards my own body. But then there are those few days where I feel like dressing in a more "girly" fashion and the only thing I hate is my chest.

Would i be considered trans because I'm unhappy in my own body? Or maybe I'm not because I don't have a problem with my lower female parts? But maybe I am because I prefer male clothes? But then again I like certain girly clothes. I might be trans because I want to cut off my chest, or I'm not because I'm to afraid to do anything about it.

I just wish there was a way for me to experiment openly but without anyone knowing. Why couldn't I have been born as a boy? why can't I just figure out what I am so i can start to recover? Why don't I have anyone close to me that I can discuss these things with.

I feel like I am lost in this maze that is known as me.

lost in my body, mind and soul.

Can someone just give me a map?