A Hole in My Heart (or somthing like that)

Dont ask me where this is coming from...but I literally feel like there is a part of me missing and someone else has it. The Problem: I dont know who has this other part of me.

I feel like I want some one around me to love me and hold me...but there's no one there. No one that could accept me for who I am...(that is thats not already taken) I feel that my wants are too much and thus I'm doomed to live alone. I want someone that I can call up and say: "hey I'm not feeling well...can you come over and cuddle with me." I hate feeling lonely and hurt for no reason...

I guess my true fear is that in the sheltered area I live in I will never find someone that will be open to the way I am...A girl that wants to dress like a girly man (but still be thought of as a man). I'm too complicated to be able to find someone to love(or at least have feelings for me).

mabye I'm just feeling sexualy deprived...If thats even possible for me...

not much

So I came out to my mom as a genderqueer with male tendencies (yes thats how I'm putting it for now. it sounds the best to me) And she is being awsome about it and even found the greatest haircut that I'm going to get to look more masculine. She being really supportive and that makes me glad. So far though she is the only one I have come out to... hopefully I'll get the balls to come out to more people soon... mabye I'll go the chicken shit route and post somthing on facebook...mabye even a link to this blog...mabye.

I gotta say I miss all my queers back at college right now... I hope we have a meeting right when school gets back in so I can see all those fabulous people again! I also need to find a person that can teach me to work out, because my mom said that somtimes if you work out your boobs size will go down... and someone who can teach me how to act more manly...you know since this is what I want.

mmm...warm air again...so nice.

To speak or not to speak

So today the internal battle over whether or not I come out to everyone around me raged on...The main problem...I'm not sure what to come out as, I more of a gender queer right now but I lean more towards man like dress(except for the fact of my binding attempts failing miserably). I also want to get more male type clothes for Christmas but this is one of those things that there's not part way out for me. Its all or nothing. I have no idea how to even start the coming out conversation with anyone. Someone needs to know though...well other than Internet people. I've already unset all my gender preferences on all the sites I'm part of...I just need to actually come out! GAH! why does it have to be so difficult to be myself...whoever I am. If anyone is reading this some tips would definitely be appreciated...Thanks!

In other news the air from the heater I'm sitting under feels oh sooo good! I've also been thinking about taking up photography! just need a camera...yay for Christmas lists!

Suckish

Meh...not so great a day...
I'm down at my house for the winter break and I'm going to go crazy! Its only been one day and I feel so alone and awkward here. I just want to go back to my dorm! Due to these feelings my very good friends down here are going to be seeing and hearing alot from me... I will be there every moment I can. Yeah they'll be pretty sick of me by the time this three week vacation is over ^^.
not looking forward to tomorrow morning. I have to babysit my little brother while my brothers are at church. Now truly I agreed to watch him...on Tuesdays and Wednesdays during the break. I NEVER agreed to watch him for 7 hours on a Sunday! I was under the impression that my grandmother would be watching him on Sundays...yeah I hate when people change plans that involve me and don't even bother to tell me.
good news though! Our family party got canceled because of fog and possible snow so I didn't have to go to that. I got to go early to my D&D game! (dungeons and dragons if you didn't know already) sadly we were only able to play for a short time because the DM had to get home so she could leave early tomorrow for a trip. I was hoping to stay and chat with everyone but like usual my little sister just wanted to leave. I tell you that girl is going to miss all these chances she had to interact with everyone when she leaves to go to college like 400 miles away. I miss it and I'm only 30 or so. 30 is alot without a car though... meh don't even get me started on that stupid car issue. I'm just gonna leave that alone for now.
Oh yeah another thing! I've decided that I'm chicken-shit I cant even sum up the courage to tell my mom whats going on with me! Not that she has the time to listen lately. every time I want to tell her something she's sick or she has her own problems and I cant bear to burden her anymore than I already do just by being around...But I'm really struggling with my self and my identity. I don't know who I am...or even what I am. I feel like a waste of space and time...except when I'm at my home. And I'm not talking my mom's house here I mean my real home...the place I feel like me and where I feel important. That place is my home...I just don't live there...but I want to.

Confusion

Meh...today was a whole lot of nothing. took a final exam and then got online.

the only semi-intresting thing was that I actually had to take a walk today to clear my head of all the crazy thoughts going on. I just haven't felt like myself and I belive it has somthing to do with my hesitations of truly being myself all need is one person close to me to hold my hand through it and I know I'll be fine...sadly I dont have that right now so its up to me and me alone!

I wrote out how I'm going to tell my mom about my queerness but it still doesn't sound right. Mabye if I was more into writing it would turn out better.

I feel so lost in the world right now...not depressed so to say, just kinda distant from everything. I don't like this feeling!

on a side note my hot tamales tasted like cherry today...I think this means I've been eating them to much...my taste buds dont reconize the hottness. I see red and since it doesn't taste spicy my brain goes: "cherry thats gotta be it! sure the box says hot tamales but its wrong!" stupid brain...

Ai today (intro)

Hello. welcome to this blog.^^
If you're just stopping by: cool.
If you're actually reading: cool.

this blog is just mainly for me to voice confusions in my life and with the world...without the fear of anyone talking to my face I guess. Yeah its not important to anyone but me.

so first a little bit about me! I'm a someteen year old gender queer. what does that mean? well to me it means that my gender changes around or may not even be there! I go by Ai (when I'm feeling masculine) and Mori (when I'm feeling feminine). Truth is though that no one knows this about me in real life. I dress as I want up here at college but when I go home I keep my gender...whats the word...issues (doesn't represent right but I'm no good with words) under wraps. we'll see how long that lasts... If possible I prefer gender neutral pronouns please!

lets see what else. I enjoy D&D and thus will talk about it a lot! Not much in my life is stable right now so that's really all I have.

onto the issues then. As I mentioned...I am a Gender Queer. this is very hard for me, because I don't know who to go to when I'm having troubles. Being female in body but very often both or more so male in spirit, isn't something just anyone understands...I'm afraid to tell my mom because she'll think its just a phase (and then she'll declare my lesbianism a phase...no that's still happening...but only when my spirit feels like a girl...other times I'm a straight guy^^) It may not remain a secret to her much longer...I'm going to get my hair cut...and I want it WAAY short to fit with this male part of my spirit.
Today I wrapped my chest and dressed as much like a guy as I could (with the limited resources I've been able to buy on my measly college funds) most people pay me no mind so I didn't really get any reactions (which is fine by me) but one girl was flirting with me which either means I pulled it off...or she was a lesbian...or other reasons.

I really do need someone to tell but everyone i know thinks of me as a girl...and have very rigid sex=gender type views (yeah family are great) My one friend I really want to tell I wont until I tell someone else...because well I dont want to burden her with my problems when she has enough of her own...

all in all today I was Ai